1. Picked up litter:
I forgot to bring a bag downstairs to pick up Toby’s crap this morning. So I simply caught one flying by in the air while I had one hand on Toby’s leash and the other on the stroller. Double win: didn’t have to shamefully flee the dogshit on sidewalk AND disposed of urban detritus.
2. Removed hazardous waste:
While weeding out the diaper bag I unearthed a wadded-up poopy blow-out outfit from a few weekends ago (without even gagging!) Get out of town Chernobyl, this radioactive waste site is history.
3. Saved water:
Ben slept in until 7:45am! Did I wake up early, run, shower, drink my morning coffee, and get started working? Hell no, I did not. Instead, I sucked the sweet marrow from that succulent extra cut of sleep. Bonus: no shower = no wasted water. This one was too easy.
4. Used a “green” cleaning product:
Soaked the poop-stained strap on the changing table in a vinegar and water mixture, effectively getting 90% of the stain out. The best part? I didn’t even consult google. Gosh, I must be growing up. Happy tears.
5. Improved air quality:
Remembered to plug the dryer hose into the window before starting the dryer, effectively avoiding the usual occurrence of hot dry air spewing into Benjamin’s room whenever I do laundry.
6. Prevented bloodshed:
Went 3 for 10 clipping Ben’s fingernails while breastfeeding. His nails are like itty bitty Santoku knives. Cannot. Keep. Them. Short. forthelifeofme.
7. Stopped food waste:
Pawned off the half-gone bag of baby carrots sitting in the back of the fridge. I always buy carrots with the best intentions, but never, ever finish the whole bag. They go in the trash and I feel bad. Such a first-world problem. Now they are sitting in cute little ice-cube-sized pureed clumps in the freezer waiting for an unsuspecting 5-month-old victim.
8. Ended a 3-month war:
…with cradle cap. Yup, I gently scraped off the last little flaky bits of dead scalp with my own fingernails while he was caught in the tractor beam of Baby Einstein. Don’t worry I wiped up the pile of flakes and little bitty hairs and threw them away. Okay, too disgusting. Sorry.
9. Reduced noise pollution:
Managed to have a cry-free two-hour stretch before morning nap. I cheated with an extra feeding. And I did a few blindfolded cartwheels while juggling baby rattles (like any good minion would). But hey, it worked.
Successfully avoided Child Protective Services for another day by draping Ben in many blankets so he was properly “dressed” for our walk. Creatively used, outgrown baby blankets can replace a number of unnecessary winter clothing items.
…pretty badass, right?
I am the one who knocks.